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By now, everyone has heard the exciting news regarding the future of our country, its leadership, and its traditions, by bringing something back that we have not had in power for a while now.
Yeah, you guessed it. GAME OF THRONES SEASON 5!
Also, Hillary Clinton is going to run for president.
America’s mixed feelings of anguish, disgust, elation, excitement, and an appetite for utter brutality serve as adequate reactions for both major events that have happened in the past several weeks. One of these events will most assuredly serve as a turning point for our nation’s history, and the other could put Senator Clinton back in the White House. Regardless of your feelings regarding the former Secretary of State and First Lady, your first reaction was probably similar to mine: I need a beer.
Therefore, I have decided to feature beers to drink in reaction to Hillary Clinton’s candidacy.
I’m ready for Hillary! And another beer!
For those who find Hillary’s announcement to be a telling of the Lannister’s retreat, the resurrection of the Starks, and a renewed Democratic spirit in America, you will find yourself peacefully expressing yourself in the streets and putting your national healthcare to good use with these specialties:
Breckenridge Brewery Ophelia – Denver, CO
Available in 32 states
IBUs: 23 (fun and hip, like Barack Obama – before he was president)
ABV: 5% (approximately equal to Congress’ approval rating)
This beer is a wheat beer with pleasant flavors of peach, orange, mango, and lemon. It is at once simply delightful, yet complex with vibrant and intriguing Mosaic hops. Luckily, this attractive and enjoyable summer intern of a beer won’t get you fired.
Brouwerij Straffe Hendrik Tripel – Brugge/Bruges, Belgium
Available worldwide, and at Little’s on Downing and Keg’s on Colorado (Check the bomber sections)
IBUs: Pretty much irrelevant (like Rick Santorum)
ABV: 9% (Thank God for national health care)
If you have never had a true Belgian Tripel before, be warned – it’s the best thing you’ll ever have. Straffe Hendrik has been making beer longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg has been shaking up the Supreme Court and the Tripel style has been made almost as long as Hillary has been planning her bid for the presidency (over 200 years). This Belgian Strong Ale style is golden in color, and is filled with the most complex fruit and spice flavors you will ever find in a beer. Everything from banana to orange, and the subtle spice of Brett yeast, which characterizes much of the beer from the Low Countries.
Crafts for Coping with the Clintons
For some, seeing that blond hair, those seething features, and those devious plans on Sunday made you visibly cringe. Cersei Lannister has that effect on people. In addition, you had to deal with the official reality that Hillary Rodham Clinton Lannister could one day rule the United Statesteros of America. This fact calls for the Big Guns.
Avery Brewing Mephistopheles – Boulder, CO
Available in bomber sections everywhere – but only in a 12 oz. You’ll see why.
IBUs: 80 (this is as bitter as a Tea Partier on business in Boulder)
ABV: 15-17%, depending on the batch (This beer came from the place Pat Robertson warned you never to venture)
Like marijuana, two-piece bathing suits, and Spongebob, Mephistopheles will take you to dark places fraught with sin, debauchery, dark chocolate, and deep red cherries. This bottled black velvet packs quite the punch, and can quickly help you forget the deteriorating future of America. It is named after the second fallen angel (assuming that angel fell into a pit filled with liquorish and rum-soaked fruits), and could easily make you fall, too. Out of the wooden chair Ron Swanson made for you.
Firestone Walker Wookey Jack – Paso Robles, CA
Available at Keg’s on Colorado
IBUs: 80 (A tall drink of Rush Limbaugh)
ABV: 8.3% (almost enough to make Rachel Maddow tolerable)
For those who need to sulk away their sorrows but want to be in bed by 8:00 without missing Jeopardy, this Black IPA will do the trick, and might help you deal with that Canadian commie, Trebek. With TWO Gold Medals at the Great American Beer Festival (that’s like having TWO Bushes in the White House – and almost as good as three) and all the hoppy and citrusy character of a strong IPA, this beer takes a darker turn with the spice of rye and roasted malts. It could cheer you up a bit. But so could imagining Megyn Kelly telling off Barack Obama at the White House Christmas party again.
I just really like having old white dudes in the White House, regardless of their affiliation.
Have a warm glass of milk and go to bed. Bring your 19th-Century concept of America with you.
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